


I Don't Need a Peptalk

by Entropeutic



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, I love connecting characters together, I wanted to explore the emotional depths the crew is touching on one way or another, I...I feel that you know?, Sometimes at the same time, also very relatable, anyways I better put it put there before the new episode changes that, most recent future episode got me INSPIRED, parallels and all that, really short bismuth pep talk but not really?, sometimes things are better and sometimes they are worse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-08
Updated: 2020-03-08
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:14:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23070766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Entropeutic/pseuds/Entropeutic
Summary: Steven is lost in his emotions and Bismuth tries again to cheer him up... but we all know Steven's case is complicated.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 28





	I Don't Need a Peptalk

**Author's Note:**

> This is kinda reading between the lines of Steven's and Bismuth's archs between Bismuth Casual and In Dreams and stuff. I am an intensely internal person and often I wonder what's going on in Steven's head because well. idk, I really feel what he's going through. So here's my read on him and Bismuth.

A deep, gnawing loneliness broiled in Steven's chest. Some things were getting better but he couldn't help but imagine he was still out of touch. A wrongness permeated every part of his existence. The world was saved... wasn't that his purpose? How was he supposed to just live when his entire birth was catalyzed by a problem his mother couldn't solve and after he'd done it... well. All that pain was in the foreground. The reason resolved. Steven replaced his mother and he felt the deep crevice she'd carved into the world he inhabited without the looming overarching enemy. It echoed, no, it _cried_ pitifully at him.

The boy stared out at the ocean from the deck, lost in the static between vision and thought.  
Things just weren't adding up. It didn't feel natural to be around people to just be around them. It didn't feel natural to ask for help- no, no, he couldn't do that, he just helped them! It would be pathetic to crawl over in tears over his own inability to pull himself together. He saved the universe! Nobody... nobody cared about his stupid issues. At least, nobody should have to.  
Steven sighed. Ironically, he felt like an alien on Earth more than the _actual_ aliens inhabiting the planet. He cringed at memories popping up of the failed attempts to talk to Connie's friends. God, he was such a freak. Of course normal kids wouldn't know half of what it was like to be almost killed by an intergalactic dictator- how the hell did Connie manage to carry a normal conversation? She was there! Steven groaned next and pulled the collar of his jacket over his head in attempt to hide from his own embarrassment. He didn't belong anymore. Nothing he did was... worthwhile. If anything he was a burden. Connie had to freaking fuse with him to just be _normal_ at the rollar-rink! That was pathetic. Of course he had fun... in the end. But it really shouldn't have taken so much effort from everyone else to get him there. Steven buried himself deeper into his jacket. Oh god. Maybe everyone would have had more fun if he just didn't show up. He should have stayed home, then his bumbling wouldn't have gotten Connie all worried or Bismuth-  
"Steven! Little man!"

Speak of the devil.  
"Oh, hi Bismuth," Steven tried a winning grin, emerging from his jacket quickly, "what's up?"

"The usual bismuth..." Bismuth winked and leaned into the railing with the half-gem, taking in his wavering grin critically, "but something's still up with you bud. You're spacing out a ton. Pearl told me you haven't spoken more than a sentence at a time with her in weeks..."

"Oh," Steven sheepishly rubbed his sleeve, "well, I just assumed she'd be busy with little homeworld classes... and you, I guess."  
Bismuth smirked to herself with a blush but kept listening.  
"So I don't know, I didn't want to waste her time, you know? Just... stay out of the way. I've been the center of her life for a long time."  
Steven laughed nervously and rubbed the back of his head.

"Steven... buddy, you're a big part of her life because she loves you," Bismuth took a deep breath and put a huge calloused hand on the boy's shoulder, "you should never apologize for taking up the space and time you need-" she launched right into a pep talk. At the rollar-rink it was much appreciated but Steven wasn't up to it that day. Her words were meaningful but they fell on deaf ears.  
"Bis... thank you for that, and I really take that advice to heart but... but for some reason it's not sinking in," Steven finally admitted, clenching his fist to close off the pink building under his cheeks. It seemed to be at the breaking point when intense emotions started cropping up, "I... I feel wrong. Like, things happen and they turn out alright but I still feel like I did them wrong. Before... it was simple. The bad gem, or the hurt person or whatever does or feels bad things, and then we fix it and then they feel better! You know? Now... now it's like... I can't... say or do anything right...?  
A better example escaped him and Steven decided he'd disclosed enough. Bismuth was giving away her valuable time because he was whining. Bedsides, he wouldn't be able to react the right way to her advice anyways, it would just bring her down. Better to cut his losses before they grew.  
"Well, it's fine. I'll figure it out, thank you for talking Bismuth," Steven said softly, before walking down the steps to the beach.

When he reached the bottom he was still staring at his feet-  
BOOM!  
He was covered in sand as apparently Bismuth had jumped from the deck to the beach to cut Steven off.  
"I don't think you're done Steven," Bismuth insisted, straightening and taking a hands-on-hips authoritative pose, "you're a ghost of the kid I met after popping outta that several thousand year old bubble. And speaking of which, I know a thing or too about it- don't bubble yourself Steven! You've got to interact with people, especially the ones that matter. You'll... you'll miss them when they're gone," Bismuth's stature sort of slumped as she flopped and sat in the sand, glaring at the ocean.  
"It's tough stuff. There's so much I missed. My friends, thier relationships, inside jokes," Bismuth chuckled to herself but with a melancholy note. She ran a dust-bin sized hand through rainbow dreads.  
Steven stuffed his fists into his pocket in shame.  
"I'm... I'm so sorry."

Bismuth blinked and then got... angry?  
"Steven, this is _not_ about Rose, you hear me? What Rose did is what Rose did, this is about you and your purpose isn't to apologize and fix everything Rose did," she thrust a finger at him, "I'm sharing this because- awe hell," she deflated again and sobered from her pep-talk voice, "Steven, I like to encourage and be the witty coach because it can hide the gaps of what I missed. Even during the war, it was a mask that hid the grief of loosing all my friends, and a damn good one. For you, I think, being the guy with all the answers made you feel like you could make up for what your mom-"

Steven grit his teeth and turned away.  
"Thank you for sharing, but I'm fine Bismuth. I'm just in a... funk. Moody teenager, whatever."

"A mood's a mood," Bismuth got back to her feet and brushed off her overalls, "and it matters. You grew up with a lot of pressure to be Rose. Fill her shoes _and_ patch her damn leaks. Not even screaming 'she's gone' is gonna fix a lifetime of comparison. Let me tell you this instead," Bismuth turned to head back up to the house, "Rose wasn't perfect and never was. I wasn't and still am not perfect. I made the Breaking Point, remember? And it's ok, I'm buddies with some homeward soldiers now," the big gem grinned, "what's the saying? Just be human? I'm gonna just be a gem. You might just wanna be a gem-human hybrid, if you know what I mean. Let yourself live! This is the best planet to do it on, so I'm here if you need me, Steven."

Steven couldn't help but smile a little. Bismuth went on her way and Steven turned to the ocean again, this time actually taking in its translucent blue hue from a sunny, cloudless sky. Life would go on despite it all and as much as he felt lost in the waves... maybe he wasn't alone. It didn't change the way the currents of his emotions led him to believe he was suddenly nothing, at the bottom of a deep murky trench, but a light glimmered through the surface and he knew which way was up. It was hard to be the one who needed talking to and he wondered how he could have been so blind as to how all those 'bad' gems were really feeling. It took so much convincing because... well, sometimes advice fell on deaf ears. As much as people could tell him and he tried to tell himself it he wasn't wrong and out of place, it didn't stick. He felt bad for Jasper. How could he have yelled at her for wanting to be miserable? Maybe she really just couldn't change her feelings about herself... and Spinel couldn't shake that delicate sense of being abandoned at every slight turn of the head-  
Steven started to sob silently. He was going to to turn into everyone's problem at the rate he was going. His skull felt like a pressure cooker boiling his brain and he couldn't think straight. Something was terribly wrong with him. He just... couldn't tell anyone properly. Words failed him for the first time in his life and he worried what would happen. Whatever was left of what he loved would fall apart... wouldn't it?

Steven stayed curled up on the beach until the sun descended and chill permeated his entire core and he shivered. Only then could he gather enough will to get up and return to a dark, empty house to bundle up in bed, still fully dressed. The night was merciful and gave him a dreamless sleep. That yearning cry from within was enough to keep him company anyways.

**Author's Note:**

> My other fic I'm Not His Mother was another emotion exploration and even though it was to set up a ship I really like delving deep into this stuff. It's heavy, but full of substance, you know? I guess I should admit I'm studying to be a clinical psychologist but really, I wanna write fiction on this stuff. Existence is hard and a cerebral concept, I want to make a place that feels like home. Truthful, but hopeful. That's why I really enjoy Future, its really reflecting life instead of a story arch and I like that a lot. So uhhh peace out guys, talk to a friend if you're down ok? You're not a burden and your friend also isn't a superhero. It's just so no ones alone right? Be there, if all else fails just be there.


End file.
